Heart.Broken

All this while I have been clinging on to "when will it happen". Realised that one of the reasons I was given so long ago was actually nothing to do with anything.
It will never happen
For goodness sake Cassie you have to realise that.

Plain

Do you know what?
I love you.
I don't know if I want to marry you, I don't know if I will still want to be with you in a year but I love you.
We are not friends.
I'm not sure if we ever have been.

We might not work as a couple. We might fail spectacularly.
But if it doesn't work: at least we'd know. Once and for all : things changed, I'm different, you're different, we still don't work. Closure.

Then maybe we can learn to be friends.

The love I feel for you can be that of friendship, we the sexual tension removed. The potential removed.

Our relationship is one of looking at might be-s. That's not right.

We might be together for a week, actually kiss without guilt, and realise "Yuck, this is like kissing a sibling!"
and learn to have a relationship of equals and true friendship.

But right now I don't want to be your friend.

I lied I know. I said it was fine. It wasn't. It wasn't a lie each time I said it; I had convinced myself, because there are so many things I could pick on.
Things that don't matter, like you not liking seafood, or my friends not approving.

But it was just my head trying to control my heart. It failed.
I've never been good at denying myself something that I want.

This. What's happening right now, whatever it is... It makes me not like myself. I don't like who I am being right now, I feel demeaned. I'm picking up bad habits. I'm embarrassing myself and I'm ashamed of myself.

Something needs to change. I don't want it to be us not hanging out anymore.





But I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. So I'll never say any of this.

But all I want

All I ever want to do is cook and look after people.

That's look after people and cook food. Not cook the people I'm supposed to be looking after.