A Prayer

Dear God,
Please take my heart away. Please take away my ability to love, because I can't take the pain anymore.
It's been a year.
A year of me praying not to love him anymore almost every day.
A year of me telling him how I feel and him without the decency to tell me that he doesn't feel the same, even if that would be a lie as he claims.
Please.
Father if you can do anything, if you made the mountains and the seas and the earth it's self surely you can do this.
Just take it away, because I'm crying myself to sleep again and I'm not as strong as I pretend to me.
Let me feel nothing. Let me die, emotionally.
Just please don't make me live this for another day.

Trying so hard

I'm trying so hard to have an adult conversation with you, to save YOUR bacon. 'Cause I'm watching YOUR back. Yet you manage to make me want to go "fuck you" "I'm tired of screwing myself over to keep you out of trouble" if it weren't for the fact that I promised the youth that I would go to church tonight I wouldn't be there just so I could avoid seeing you.

FFS maybe I'm doing things for a reason. Maybe I said "lets talk in person" BECAUSE WE NEEDED TO TALK IN PERSON. Maybe I said "before church" because it needed to be in plenty of time before church. If the not knowing is stressing you out so much, deal with it now instead of putting it off all day.

Grow the fuck up.

You have no idea the extent I have fucked myself over all year trying to keep you out of trouble.
Do you know what I have let people think of me so that they don't think less of you?

God, I was going to buy us a fry up and have a quick chat. Pretend that your actions didn't leave me red raw, make sure that you were ok and if necessary reassure you that everything is fine.

I'm not sure if I can now.

I need to chat

I need to talk to you
Whilst I still have the guts to do it
but you're not around