Point one:
I am NOT equipped to work in a church. I am selfish. I need constant approval and rewards. My motivation is entirely that people think that I am good, capable, talented... the list goes on.
Problem 1:
For 7 months I have felt called to start a ministry for strippers in central London.
Problem 2:
Googling has not helped me find any existing missions that I could sign up to and help on the most basic level
Problem 3:
I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing
Problem 4:
I swear
Thursday, 31 July 2014
Saturday, 31 May 2014
Christians be Cray Cray
So today there was a mildly amusing facebook argument happening on my feed. 4 out of the 5 people talking were being very polite to each other and were asking questions, getting answers, exploring the others view point. One was just going off on one.
The thing is 5 out of 5 of them believe in God and Jesus. 4 out of 5 would identify as Christian, this soon became the crux of the argument. Unfortunately it's probably unnecessary to point out that the person going off on one was one of the ones that identified as Christian.
The person going off on one, let's call them Kurt, was accusing the one who no longer identified as Christian, let's them Grace, of having lost their faith.
Kurts argument was that if you are no longer part of the organised Church and don't call yourself a Christian you have lost your faith and logic would therefore dictate no longer believe in God.
Grace was saying that she was still a follower of Jesus, still a believer in God, still an upholder of the faith. She just didn't want to identify with people who were persecuting and being unloving to people of other faiths and sexualities and believed that if these arguments were being upheld in churches than it was better for her to separate herself from them and continue her personal journey with God through prayer and bible study. She also pointed out that it was Still not Kurt's right to accuse her of having lost her faith.
This was all rather fascinating to read. Whilst eating chinese food, because I cba with going downstairs for popcorn.
Several hours later now that I have given up tonights fight against insomnia something strikes me.
No one has accused me of having lost my faith.
I suppose that's because I'm always in the church cafe tapping away at my computer or chatting to the staff. It might be because I cook for church events. It might even be because I help out in the church office every now and then.
I genuinely can't remember the last time I sat through a Sunday service.
I finally picked up the guts to leave my home group a month ago.
I can't remember the last time I picked up a bible, not that I even know where mine is.
I can't remember the last time I was even at worship.
I have no idea what's going on with my faith.
And yet I have people trying to convince me to be a mentor and to speak at events; Whilst Grace is being accused of having no faith.
Christians be cray cray.
Are people confusing a religion with a social club? If the vicars wife knows your name then you're probably doing alright but if you're not turning up to the pot luck lunches then it's not just the quiche that's gonna burn?
Madness
**I would like to point out that Kurt was not a member of the church I attend and was in the minority within the facebook argument, he's also a nice guy just a bit... crazy christian.
The thing is 5 out of 5 of them believe in God and Jesus. 4 out of 5 would identify as Christian, this soon became the crux of the argument. Unfortunately it's probably unnecessary to point out that the person going off on one was one of the ones that identified as Christian.
The person going off on one, let's call them Kurt, was accusing the one who no longer identified as Christian, let's them Grace, of having lost their faith.
Kurts argument was that if you are no longer part of the organised Church and don't call yourself a Christian you have lost your faith and logic would therefore dictate no longer believe in God.
Grace was saying that she was still a follower of Jesus, still a believer in God, still an upholder of the faith. She just didn't want to identify with people who were persecuting and being unloving to people of other faiths and sexualities and believed that if these arguments were being upheld in churches than it was better for her to separate herself from them and continue her personal journey with God through prayer and bible study. She also pointed out that it was Still not Kurt's right to accuse her of having lost her faith.
This was all rather fascinating to read. Whilst eating chinese food, because I cba with going downstairs for popcorn.
Several hours later now that I have given up tonights fight against insomnia something strikes me.
No one has accused me of having lost my faith.
I suppose that's because I'm always in the church cafe tapping away at my computer or chatting to the staff. It might be because I cook for church events. It might even be because I help out in the church office every now and then.
I genuinely can't remember the last time I sat through a Sunday service.
I finally picked up the guts to leave my home group a month ago.
I can't remember the last time I picked up a bible, not that I even know where mine is.
I can't remember the last time I was even at worship.
I have no idea what's going on with my faith.
And yet I have people trying to convince me to be a mentor and to speak at events; Whilst Grace is being accused of having no faith.
Christians be cray cray.
Are people confusing a religion with a social club? If the vicars wife knows your name then you're probably doing alright but if you're not turning up to the pot luck lunches then it's not just the quiche that's gonna burn?
Madness
**I would like to point out that Kurt was not a member of the church I attend and was in the minority within the facebook argument, he's also a nice guy just a bit... crazy christian.
Sunday, 30 March 2014
I don't understand
I trusted you
You now seem to be deliberately hurting me, and I don't understand why.
This isn't the person I know.
I'm so confused.
Why did you tell me to let you in?
You now seem to be deliberately hurting me, and I don't understand why.
This isn't the person I know.
I'm so confused.
Why did you tell me to let you in?
Saturday, 29 March 2014
I started writing a step by step account of my evening because I needed to hash it out.
But I stopped, because what would be the point of publishing that? It would just seem targeted and poisoned.
The fact of the matter is, I had an argument with someone that I care about very deeply.
They are upset with me.
They said some things that really hurt me.
I'm upset.
I don't like being upset with them, I don't like them being upset with me.
I've apologised for belittling them.
I'd like them to apologise for deliberately and unduly taking offence at / misunderstanding me.
Realistically: It's not going to happen.
What matters more to me is that this fight is over.
I'd rather be hugging right now than ignoring each other.
I just wish he would answer to the phone.
I'm trying here.
But I stopped, because what would be the point of publishing that? It would just seem targeted and poisoned.
The fact of the matter is, I had an argument with someone that I care about very deeply.
They are upset with me.
They said some things that really hurt me.
I'm upset.
I don't like being upset with them, I don't like them being upset with me.
I've apologised for belittling them.
I'd like them to apologise for deliberately and unduly taking offence at / misunderstanding me.
Realistically: It's not going to happen.
What matters more to me is that this fight is over.
I'd rather be hugging right now than ignoring each other.
I just wish he would answer to the phone.
I'm trying here.
Tuesday, 8 October 2013
Trapped
I feel so trapped.
I don't want to do the internship anymore, but who am I even supposed to talk to about that? Who is my line manager? Arn't I supposed to have a mentor? Where are they hiding? Do I know their name? Do they know MY name? Have we even met?
And when I stop doing the internship... Where am I supposed to go? I feel like I couldn't go to St. Mikes anymore.
My relaxing day has so far involved about a billion fb messages asking where I am, a thousand emails nagging me about why haven't I done X or Y when I was apparently asked to do them via an email that was sent to me during a weekend away that EVERYONE knew I was on. Bare in mind that everyone thinks I'm at an away day today, so how exactly am I supposed to pick these emails up?
I don't want to be here. I don't want to do the internship. Which means I can't go to church anymore. Which means I have nowhere to go.
I want to disappear.
I.Just.Don't.Want.To.BE.Anymore.
I feel so abandoned.
I don't want to do the internship anymore, but who am I even supposed to talk to about that? Who is my line manager? Arn't I supposed to have a mentor? Where are they hiding? Do I know their name? Do they know MY name? Have we even met?
And when I stop doing the internship... Where am I supposed to go? I feel like I couldn't go to St. Mikes anymore.
My relaxing day has so far involved about a billion fb messages asking where I am, a thousand emails nagging me about why haven't I done X or Y when I was apparently asked to do them via an email that was sent to me during a weekend away that EVERYONE knew I was on. Bare in mind that everyone thinks I'm at an away day today, so how exactly am I supposed to pick these emails up?
I don't want to be here. I don't want to do the internship. Which means I can't go to church anymore. Which means I have nowhere to go.
I want to disappear.
I.Just.Don't.Want.To.BE.Anymore.
I feel so abandoned.
Sunday, 25 August 2013
A Prayer
Dear God,
Please take my heart away. Please take away my ability to love, because I can't take the pain anymore.
It's been a year.
A year of me praying not to love him anymore almost every day.
A year of me telling him how I feel and him without the decency to tell me that he doesn't feel the same, even if that would be a lie as he claims.
Please.
Father if you can do anything, if you made the mountains and the seas and the earth it's self surely you can do this.
Just take it away, because I'm crying myself to sleep again and I'm not as strong as I pretend to me.
Let me feel nothing. Let me die, emotionally.
Just please don't make me live this for another day.
Please take my heart away. Please take away my ability to love, because I can't take the pain anymore.
It's been a year.
A year of me praying not to love him anymore almost every day.
A year of me telling him how I feel and him without the decency to tell me that he doesn't feel the same, even if that would be a lie as he claims.
Please.
Father if you can do anything, if you made the mountains and the seas and the earth it's self surely you can do this.
Just take it away, because I'm crying myself to sleep again and I'm not as strong as I pretend to me.
Let me feel nothing. Let me die, emotionally.
Just please don't make me live this for another day.
Trying so hard
I'm trying so hard to have an adult conversation with you, to save YOUR bacon. 'Cause I'm watching YOUR back. Yet you manage to make me want to go "fuck you" "I'm tired of screwing myself over to keep you out of trouble" if it weren't for the fact that I promised the youth that I would go to church tonight I wouldn't be there just so I could avoid seeing you.
FFS maybe I'm doing things for a reason. Maybe I said "lets talk in person" BECAUSE WE NEEDED TO TALK IN PERSON. Maybe I said "before church" because it needed to be in plenty of time before church. If the not knowing is stressing you out so much, deal with it now instead of putting it off all day.
Grow the fuck up.
You have no idea the extent I have fucked myself over all year trying to keep you out of trouble.
Do you know what I have let people think of me so that they don't think less of you?
God, I was going to buy us a fry up and have a quick chat. Pretend that your actions didn't leave me red raw, make sure that you were ok and if necessary reassure you that everything is fine.
I'm not sure if I can now.
FFS maybe I'm doing things for a reason. Maybe I said "lets talk in person" BECAUSE WE NEEDED TO TALK IN PERSON. Maybe I said "before church" because it needed to be in plenty of time before church. If the not knowing is stressing you out so much, deal with it now instead of putting it off all day.
Grow the fuck up.
You have no idea the extent I have fucked myself over all year trying to keep you out of trouble.
Do you know what I have let people think of me so that they don't think less of you?
God, I was going to buy us a fry up and have a quick chat. Pretend that your actions didn't leave me red raw, make sure that you were ok and if necessary reassure you that everything is fine.
I'm not sure if I can now.
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