very odd

So I was reading about Mary Magdalene (long story as to why, completely non- religious reasons) and for some reason I had a tightening of my chest, and all the physical sensations of being upset and crying without the emotional side of it. I was not upset, but my body was reacting as if i was :S

So i clicked onto facebook and it stopped, then I resumed reading about Mary and theories about her relationship with Jesus and it started again. Tightness of my chest, light headed tears forming in my eyes, a tight throat...

So I looked into the mirror to see if I was crying and my eyes were filled to the brim with tears but as I looked the tears were reabsorbed by my eyes, my eyes became white again (rather than the red swollen tinge of crying) and my face went back to normal from being red. This happened in probably less than 2 seconds of not reading the passage.

What is going on?

A letter

on a brighter note about my life

according to a letter left on my desk from NHS Kingston, at least I don't have Chlamydia.

Depression Bingo

things people love to say when you have depression

I am painfully aware that they are trying to help

confusion and other ways that I am a bitch

So I broke up with craig about a month ago.

But I didn't break up with him because I didn't care about him, quite the opposite.

I still really care about him, but it was me who broke up with him and I can't just play about with his emotions and start dating him again.

I know my friends would kill me. They were never very approving of our relationship.

I think my problem is that I know I can make a relationship with Craig work if I stop being a bitch, but every time I go home people remind me "Cassie, you can't function without sex- what the hell are you doing with him?".

Then I convince myself that we are just too different and that it can never work because I am broken.

I also cannot convince myself that I don't believe in God anymore.

There.

I said it.

I keep telling myself that I just want sex and lust, fooling around where no one gets hurt and everyone enjoys themselves, and yes I do enjoy sex... but I what I really get out of it is the feeling of being wanted.

I don't need sex, I need to feel like I have some kind of value.

I actually just flit about wanting to feel loved.

Good God that's pathetic.

I can't ask Craig out again, he would probably say no. Everyone would disapprove. It would probably be a mistake.

But that doesn't mean that I don't miss him.