So much for that then

I am already fuming at him

I dont appreciate being left high and dry, particually when I can't go out this evening as I planned because thanks to him i have two flipping purple marks on my face.

God he is such a git sometimes.

Things with Craig...

are better.

I think this is almost entirely down to the new system of lying down in the bed for a film with heads at the pillow end (my head in his nook) like we did before we were going out, rather than sitting up with our backs against the wall sideways.

I'm a girl of simple needs. Physical contact is important to me. I feel comforted and so I don't feel the need to make up for our lack of physical intimacy with sexually frustrated kissing which makes him feel like I am annoyed that we don't have sex.

He just never understood that it wasn't the sex I needed, it was the hugs and the general tenderness which is why I lept on the occasional kiss with the hunger of a starved animal. Now I don't feel like he only shows me affection when we are in public and he fancies asserting that he is a heterosexual male with a girlfriend.

yes things with Craig are getting better.

Let us hope that it lasts.

I am curious...

about Christianity and blah de blah de blah....

I just wonder if there is something missing in my life

But I also have long standing trepidations about any form of organised religion PARTICULARLY Christianity...

better

Last night at about 9pm I hopped on a train and called my parents to say that I was comming home for the weekend and would be there in about an hour.
I'm feeling a bit better I think.

Gets worse before it gets better?

I spent the whole week before I stated taking Citalopram feeling fine. I only took them to make sure I stayed that way but ever since I started on them I feel like shit. Really bad headaches and no motivation to do anything.

But everything I have read or heard suggests that things get worse before they get better and that I just have to stick it out.

Good God my head hurts.

What an unfortunate reaction

Although I was prescribed with Citalopram on the 2nd of February I didn't actually start taking them until the 17th of February. Essentially I wanted to Drink for my birthday celebrations.

Now I could say the comically fun adverse reaction I had to them the first day I took them, but tbh it isn't THAT interesting (and to recognise that something isn't interesting enough to state on this blog simply serves to reiterate how boring it really must be).

The truly FUN reaction came on the Thursday.

When- to cut a long story short- I was found late at night by Craig, in the dark and the rain, staring at a wall in a town I don't know. When I was taken back to uni I burst into tears on his shoulder and then walked back with him without saying a word. About 20 mins later after Craig had called my parents to collect me I came back to reality mortified at what had happened.

Side effect: Dissociation TICK

Citalopram 10mg Tablets

Today I was put on Anti- Depressants.

Citalopram 10mg tablets- take ONE tablet ONCE each day.

Needless to say today was no average day in my life. Running to the surgery so that I wouldn't be too late for my appointment as I had overslept (because all I ever do is sleep). Arriving at my appointment to spill details about my personal life that I have never told anyone before.

I had previously had two appointments at the GP's within which I hoped to disscuss my recently painfully bleak outlook on life, but had chickened out choosing instead to query some minor rash or ailment rather than face the "black dog".

So I enter the room, I sit down, I state my name and I explain that I have been feeling "a bit rubbish lately". Craig is sitting outside, his presence to ensure that whilst I am alone with the nurse I hopefully feel bad enough about dragging him out of bed to actually talk to the woman. For I am the Queen of "Oh me? I'm just fine. I'm always fine." We talk. She asks questions. I answer- occasionally disturbingly chipper, frequently fighting off an emotional breakdown in her office.
"So do you want to go to councilling and be put on drugs afterwards, or do you want to go on drugs with councilling on the side?"
Do I want to go on drugs? We had been talking for perhaps a maximum of 20 mins. It seems in that 20 mins I had managed to convinse her that I was in need of some chemical assistance.
Throughout the whole thing I feel like I am just ticking off a list of symptoms for her, almost as if I had googled depression and sat there with a clip board saying "loss of apitite, change in sleeping patterns, apathy towards previously enjoyed things". This is no bad reflection upon the nurse just how I felt.
"Only child hm? So there is alot of expectation upon you to do well, alot of pressure?"

"Umm I guess?" Even I'm not that much of a cliché.

Another appointment booked for this afternoon

Do you mind speaking to the student doctor?

No sure, why not, they need some practise who am I to deny them a qualification?

So I speak to the student doctor- a lovely lass who brings out my psychotically chipper side (I can tell she is rather bemused by it)

"So about one episode of despair and crying a day you say?"

"Yeah, they're the highlight of my day, I actively look forward to them 'cause you know it's not a real day unless you have some deep down despair in there is it?"

We move on to the doctor.

The student nurse reiterates everything that I had told.

Dr: "so you have a history of psychotic episodes then"

Wow individual things that have occurred in my life summed up in the term "history of psychotic episodes"

How wonderfully concise.