Plain

Do you know what?
I love you.
I don't know if I want to marry you, I don't know if I will still want to be with you in a year but I love you.
We are not friends.
I'm not sure if we ever have been.

We might not work as a couple. We might fail spectacularly.
But if it doesn't work: at least we'd know. Once and for all : things changed, I'm different, you're different, we still don't work. Closure.

Then maybe we can learn to be friends.

The love I feel for you can be that of friendship, we the sexual tension removed. The potential removed.

Our relationship is one of looking at might be-s. That's not right.

We might be together for a week, actually kiss without guilt, and realise "Yuck, this is like kissing a sibling!"
and learn to have a relationship of equals and true friendship.

But right now I don't want to be your friend.

I lied I know. I said it was fine. It wasn't. It wasn't a lie each time I said it; I had convinced myself, because there are so many things I could pick on.
Things that don't matter, like you not liking seafood, or my friends not approving.

But it was just my head trying to control my heart. It failed.
I've never been good at denying myself something that I want.

This. What's happening right now, whatever it is... It makes me not like myself. I don't like who I am being right now, I feel demeaned. I'm picking up bad habits. I'm embarrassing myself and I'm ashamed of myself.

Something needs to change. I don't want it to be us not hanging out anymore.





But I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. So I'll never say any of this.

But all I want

All I ever want to do is cook and look after people.

That's look after people and cook food. Not cook the people I'm supposed to be looking after.

WHY?!

Why is it that as soon as I have a glass of wine in me I want to kiss him?
What am I, 13?
ARGHEHRERHERWIEHROEHRESRHS!

I need to hate him, I need to never want to speak to him again. 'Cause it seems like the only way to stop myself caring about him.

I THOUGHT I HAD FIXED THIS.

I'd lined up dates ffs.

Ouch

I've twisted my ankle through a hilarious hurdle related incident.
Someone come and feed me chocolate/ soup?

It's all good really

I just realised that my blog looks a bit depressing. It's all good really.
I've made the decision that nothing will happen between myself and someone I liked, because if they liked me enough they would have made something happen. Which has freed me up so I can stop being rude to people by not being able to tell them "no I'm not available" and yet not feeling comfortable if they flirt with me.

My fasting is also going well, after a horrendous first day where I failed miserably it's going much better now although tonight will be a real test turning down the dinner I'll be serving to the homeless. I've found time for bible study as well in the time I would usually be cooking which is great.

I'm also getting back into my "what's the worst that could happen" attitude to dating so I may agree to some dates with some nice people. I've got an actor, a photographer, and a classics teacher in tow at the moment that I may stop being busy for. A couple of reporters too but I'm not too sure about either of them.

So yes, I'm not actually being miserable. I just happened to blog in a rather "gahhh" way the last two times.

Lent

Turns out that giving a person up for lent is quite hard, particularly when you are doing it for all the wrong reasons.

Valentines

I usually forget valentines day a bit; my birthday is just before hand so I'm busy being all exited about that.
This year was no different, a simple "happy valentines day" and a kiss is usually enough for me and this year I didn't even think to expect that.
Because this year.

I'm single.

For the first time in 6 years on valentines day.


Now this didn't particularly faze me, it let me work some over time and I was pleased by that. Then, just as I was finishing shift at work, I started to think "hmm maybe I could pick up some sun-dried tomatoes for that guy I like....".
I know right, I'm such a catch, what a normal train of thought that was....
Luckily at that moment a friend popped into the surgery and we went out to town together preventing any further action on the tomato front.
Having now got home I have realised that there is not one card awaiting my return for the first time in my memory. Thank goodness I didn't leave any dried foodstuffs outside someones door ey?