I trusted you
You now seem to be deliberately hurting me, and I don't understand why.
This isn't the person I know.
I'm so confused.
Why did you tell me to let you in?
Sunday, 30 March 2014
Saturday, 29 March 2014
I started writing a step by step account of my evening because I needed to hash it out.
But I stopped, because what would be the point of publishing that? It would just seem targeted and poisoned.
The fact of the matter is, I had an argument with someone that I care about very deeply.
They are upset with me.
They said some things that really hurt me.
I'm upset.
I don't like being upset with them, I don't like them being upset with me.
I've apologised for belittling them.
I'd like them to apologise for deliberately and unduly taking offence at / misunderstanding me.
Realistically: It's not going to happen.
What matters more to me is that this fight is over.
I'd rather be hugging right now than ignoring each other.
I just wish he would answer to the phone.
I'm trying here.
But I stopped, because what would be the point of publishing that? It would just seem targeted and poisoned.
The fact of the matter is, I had an argument with someone that I care about very deeply.
They are upset with me.
They said some things that really hurt me.
I'm upset.
I don't like being upset with them, I don't like them being upset with me.
I've apologised for belittling them.
I'd like them to apologise for deliberately and unduly taking offence at / misunderstanding me.
Realistically: It's not going to happen.
What matters more to me is that this fight is over.
I'd rather be hugging right now than ignoring each other.
I just wish he would answer to the phone.
I'm trying here.
Tuesday, 8 October 2013
Trapped
I feel so trapped.
I don't want to do the internship anymore, but who am I even supposed to talk to about that? Who is my line manager? Arn't I supposed to have a mentor? Where are they hiding? Do I know their name? Do they know MY name? Have we even met?
And when I stop doing the internship... Where am I supposed to go? I feel like I couldn't go to St. Mikes anymore.
My relaxing day has so far involved about a billion fb messages asking where I am, a thousand emails nagging me about why haven't I done X or Y when I was apparently asked to do them via an email that was sent to me during a weekend away that EVERYONE knew I was on. Bare in mind that everyone thinks I'm at an away day today, so how exactly am I supposed to pick these emails up?
I don't want to be here. I don't want to do the internship. Which means I can't go to church anymore. Which means I have nowhere to go.
I want to disappear.
I.Just.Don't.Want.To.BE.Anymore.
I feel so abandoned.
I don't want to do the internship anymore, but who am I even supposed to talk to about that? Who is my line manager? Arn't I supposed to have a mentor? Where are they hiding? Do I know their name? Do they know MY name? Have we even met?
And when I stop doing the internship... Where am I supposed to go? I feel like I couldn't go to St. Mikes anymore.
My relaxing day has so far involved about a billion fb messages asking where I am, a thousand emails nagging me about why haven't I done X or Y when I was apparently asked to do them via an email that was sent to me during a weekend away that EVERYONE knew I was on. Bare in mind that everyone thinks I'm at an away day today, so how exactly am I supposed to pick these emails up?
I don't want to be here. I don't want to do the internship. Which means I can't go to church anymore. Which means I have nowhere to go.
I want to disappear.
I.Just.Don't.Want.To.BE.Anymore.
I feel so abandoned.
Sunday, 25 August 2013
A Prayer
Dear God,
Please take my heart away. Please take away my ability to love, because I can't take the pain anymore.
It's been a year.
A year of me praying not to love him anymore almost every day.
A year of me telling him how I feel and him without the decency to tell me that he doesn't feel the same, even if that would be a lie as he claims.
Please.
Father if you can do anything, if you made the mountains and the seas and the earth it's self surely you can do this.
Just take it away, because I'm crying myself to sleep again and I'm not as strong as I pretend to me.
Let me feel nothing. Let me die, emotionally.
Just please don't make me live this for another day.
Please take my heart away. Please take away my ability to love, because I can't take the pain anymore.
It's been a year.
A year of me praying not to love him anymore almost every day.
A year of me telling him how I feel and him without the decency to tell me that he doesn't feel the same, even if that would be a lie as he claims.
Please.
Father if you can do anything, if you made the mountains and the seas and the earth it's self surely you can do this.
Just take it away, because I'm crying myself to sleep again and I'm not as strong as I pretend to me.
Let me feel nothing. Let me die, emotionally.
Just please don't make me live this for another day.
Trying so hard
I'm trying so hard to have an adult conversation with you, to save YOUR bacon. 'Cause I'm watching YOUR back. Yet you manage to make me want to go "fuck you" "I'm tired of screwing myself over to keep you out of trouble" if it weren't for the fact that I promised the youth that I would go to church tonight I wouldn't be there just so I could avoid seeing you.
FFS maybe I'm doing things for a reason. Maybe I said "lets talk in person" BECAUSE WE NEEDED TO TALK IN PERSON. Maybe I said "before church" because it needed to be in plenty of time before church. If the not knowing is stressing you out so much, deal with it now instead of putting it off all day.
Grow the fuck up.
You have no idea the extent I have fucked myself over all year trying to keep you out of trouble.
Do you know what I have let people think of me so that they don't think less of you?
God, I was going to buy us a fry up and have a quick chat. Pretend that your actions didn't leave me red raw, make sure that you were ok and if necessary reassure you that everything is fine.
I'm not sure if I can now.
FFS maybe I'm doing things for a reason. Maybe I said "lets talk in person" BECAUSE WE NEEDED TO TALK IN PERSON. Maybe I said "before church" because it needed to be in plenty of time before church. If the not knowing is stressing you out so much, deal with it now instead of putting it off all day.
Grow the fuck up.
You have no idea the extent I have fucked myself over all year trying to keep you out of trouble.
Do you know what I have let people think of me so that they don't think less of you?
God, I was going to buy us a fry up and have a quick chat. Pretend that your actions didn't leave me red raw, make sure that you were ok and if necessary reassure you that everything is fine.
I'm not sure if I can now.
Tuesday, 23 July 2013
Is It Ok To Be Scared?
I don't really know who to talk to about this. I can't worry Chris; Nay isn't the kind of person you cry on the shoulder of; Felix & Russ were part of my "cut out friends who want to fuck me" purge; and I just don't know if I can talk to Craig about this.
I really think I want to talk to Craig about this.
I just don't think I can talk to Craig about this.
I'm really really scared.
I don't want the neurologist to tell me what we all suspect. There is no cure, so why bother knowing?
I know that's stupid but I just don't think I could cope with being told that I had it.
I really think I want to talk to Craig about this.
I just don't think I can talk to Craig about this.
I'm really really scared.
I don't want the neurologist to tell me what we all suspect. There is no cure, so why bother knowing?
I know that's stupid but I just don't think I could cope with being told that I had it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)