No. I'm not happy, but maybe that's just life.

Is that the big secret? That we are all miserable and unfulfilled? Lost as to what we want in this world and where our place is?
Do we all watch tv and go to the movies, drink with friends, listen to our music when ever we're alone, so that we don't get a second of silence. No moment alone with our thoughts because when we think it is scary.
We have been educated in critical analysis and instructed what to feel at each key life stage. Stages that were handily given to us in pamphlet form during a sex ed class; any gaps to be filled by school yard gossip and advertising.

You teens must be confusing and angst ridden, but you must also have sex - with one steady partner. Now is the time to smoke weed.

Your 20's are when you are your most beautiful. If you are not beautiful now you never will be. You should be having sex regularly, knowing their names is optional. If you are still a virgin you are a creep. You shall experiment further with drugs, if you haven't smoked weed yet you are boring, ditto if you haven't had a lesbian experience. You shall drink, continuously. You must be irresponsible. You must love sex. You must be happy. These are the best days of your life, it is all down hill from here.

In your 30's you are successful. You know about wine and you drive a nice car. You do not have room mates. You still love sex unless you are in a relationship. You will be marrying soon, ideally you will be married and pregnant. You go to office parties and watch the news. You are still friends with people from your 20's. You are a milf. you are glamourous.

In your 40's you have a midlife crisis. You're tired by the kids or worse you are single. If so you are beyond Bridget jones levels and may as well be dead. You might change your career, or you might be getting a divorce.

In your 50's you are old and may as well not exist until you are a grandparent and making films about you dating are more com than rom.

But what if you are 20 and unhappy?
What if you are 30 and unemployed?

You turn on your iPod and don't think about it.

Podgy podgy porridge face

Yesterday I went to Marks and Spencer, because I have the fashion sense of a rather elderly woman (just check out my "inspector gadget" mac as my friends call it).
Having located the perfect pair or corduroy trousers and using the circle of mirrors in the changing room to check out how my bum looked in them (amazing, thank you for asking) I made the mistake of lifting up my jumper.
To reveal...
To my horror...

The muffin top to end all muffin tops; a bakers dozen if you will.

But they fit perfectly everywhere else! The bum... it was amazing!

So the diet has begun, I shall be living mainly on porridge, because I make a darn good porridge (that looks and tastes like nothing any self respecting Scot would recognise).
I have spent today toasting my nuts and seeds, browning my porridge oats, chopping my apricots and dates all to live in a massive jar labelled "muesli" a few scoops of that fruity, nutty, mix also lives in a large jam jar accompanied by significantly more oats and oat bran of differing coarseness which can be loosely called porridge.
Hey it's still probably healthier than cocopops and at least it's not any of that pre sweetened porridge stuff *eurgh* dried fruit should be healthier than that... right?

Gay and God

What do you do when you want to build a relationship with God and you support LGBT rights?

Please tell me "nothing, they are one and they same thing, there is no conflict here".

I just cannot wrap my head around the concept of homosexuality as a sin, I can't understand it, I can't tolerate it and I most certainly can't respect it. What would the point be in supporting a deity that you can't respect?
If life got a little bit Old Testament and a disembodied voice of God bellowed down to me:

"Hello; This is God. Homosexuality is a Sin. It's wrong, I don't like it, I want you to help me wipe it off this earth and show people the error in their ways"

I would have to say "No". I can't support this blanket "The bible says no to homosexuality" ruling. There is no explanation, there is no reasoning. To me that would be like turning around and saying "Sacrifice that child, trust me there is a reason". It goes against everything I believe in, everything I have been bought up to be, the very fibre of my being.

It's something that I cannot have "Faith" in.

I know, "there is no point in having Faith in something you understand or can prove" but this is the line for me, the line where I would have to turn an omnipotent being and look them in the eye and say "No. This is not what I believe to be right" and hope that they respect me for it.

Someone please find me a quote from the New Testament where Jesus is all like "Dudes, we're cool with the whole girl on girl/ guy on guy thing now, it was just a phase we went through. Like disapproving of bacon, or insisting that you stone your daughter to death if she doesn't marry the man who raped her." You would save me a lot of existentialist turmoil.

A quick google of the issue presented me with the above.

A Super Sunday Service

Yesterday I went to a Sunday evening service at St. Michaels in Southfield's.

so pretty.....

I'd had two previous experiences of this church, neither of which had been particularly pleasant. I must express that I don't blame this on the church. The first (most awkward and generally horrifying experience) was on the last day of my Alpha course, about 2 years ago, where they took us to this church. The minister deeply misinterpreted the audience and started talking about speaking in tongues and healing.

 I was terrified. 

My next, far less traumatic, experience was probably about a year ago. A friend encouraged me to go along for the Sunday Morning Service (pretty awkward) followed by talking to a member of the church staff (super awkward and I got super duper weepy).

Yesterday however, was lovely. 

I think they key difference was *ahem* me.

I wasn't acting like the awkward "omg this is so embarrassing and weird" agnostic who didn't want to be there. Secretly hoping that someone else would do something to make me open up. 

This time I agreed to go along with a friend without making a fuss. I sang along to the music (thankfully easy to pick up as I had obviously never heard any of it before), I bought along a pocket bible and made notes, and I really enjoyed myself.

I even went up to the front at one point, and when people put their hands on my shoulders I didn't freak the bejesus out.

I was really trying to not be selfish. I think that's what my relationship with God has always been before.

"What can God do for me?"

"How can you prove to me that God exists?"

Rather than just being open.

 Yesterday I tried to go along and rejoice and learn for the sake of it, rather than looking for people or deities to fix me.

I really do recommend St. Micheal's to anyone who finds churches scary. The 6pm Sunday service is a nice small size (but not too small that you feel overly noticed) of students and adults and everyone goes to the pub afterwards! For more information their website is: www.stmichaelssouthfields.org

Joy

This photo makes me so happy 

Did you know that Sea Otters sleep holding hands, so that they don't float away from each other?

Autumn

I love Autumn, it is without a doubt my favourite of the four seasons.

I love the colours of the leaves, the way they crunch underfoot as your breath frosts the air.

Unfortunately in the city you don't get to see the colours much. Therefore I need to make an effort to have my long crisp walks in Richmond Park. Which to be fair isn't too hard, the fresh mornings of Autumn give me a much greater sense of optimism and "get up and go" than any other time of year.

I also love Autumn fashion.

Layers, warm colours and jewel tones, cosy fabrics, boots and the possibility of tartan; what's not to love?

Solanah from www.vixen-vintage.com has got it down.

 Has anyone ever noticed that autumn/ winter clothes seem to last longer? I have a pair of boots and a few jumpers that I've owned since I was 15.

Revelation

I always wondered through life, unaware of what I wanted beyond what I desired RIGHT NOW.

"I don't know what I want in life, but I sure could do with an ice-cream"

But recently I have realised what it is that I want in my life, and also why I never knew before: because I was ashamed.

Having never grown up picturing myself getting married or having children, having been the pug cousin forever in the shadow of my more beautiful family members I (much like my mother before me) never thought thought these things would happen to me, nor that I wanted them.
So I grew up not caring about makeup or clothes, but being determined that I would be different somehow. A rebel. I knew exactly what I was moving away from, but never what I was moving towards.

I had grown up with the label of a sexual deviant despite it having not one grain of truth to it. One night stands have never been something I've enjoyed (not matter how much I wish it was otherwise). Much to my horror I have realised over the years that it is not sex I crave, it was simply a convoluted way of reaching the point where I could lie in someones nook, feeling safe and wanted. But this was something I ignored because I had to be different.  A feminist who embraced her sexual identity. Much the same way that I ignored the reason WHY I love to cook, because it's my way of looking after people. I didn't realise that until I lived on my own and practically starved as I could not see any point in cooking for one.

And then, at some point this year, I realised I was living a lie. The way I pretended to hate children, but pull faces at them to make them laugh on public transport. The way I collect emotionally fragile friends, like birds with broken wings. How I'll spend all day thinking about what I'll cook for dinner for everyone.

What I really, truly actually want to be in life?
A mother.

Salvation

I've probably spent the last 3 years hoping that someone would save me.
Now I'm actively going to save myself.