Revelation

I always wondered through life, unaware of what I wanted beyond what I desired RIGHT NOW.

"I don't know what I want in life, but I sure could do with an ice-cream"

But recently I have realised what it is that I want in my life, and also why I never knew before: because I was ashamed.

Having never grown up picturing myself getting married or having children, having been the pug cousin forever in the shadow of my more beautiful family members I (much like my mother before me) never thought thought these things would happen to me, nor that I wanted them.
So I grew up not caring about makeup or clothes, but being determined that I would be different somehow. A rebel. I knew exactly what I was moving away from, but never what I was moving towards.

I had grown up with the label of a sexual deviant despite it having not one grain of truth to it. One night stands have never been something I've enjoyed (not matter how much I wish it was otherwise). Much to my horror I have realised over the years that it is not sex I crave, it was simply a convoluted way of reaching the point where I could lie in someones nook, feeling safe and wanted. But this was something I ignored because I had to be different.  A feminist who embraced her sexual identity. Much the same way that I ignored the reason WHY I love to cook, because it's my way of looking after people. I didn't realise that until I lived on my own and practically starved as I could not see any point in cooking for one.

And then, at some point this year, I realised I was living a lie. The way I pretended to hate children, but pull faces at them to make them laugh on public transport. The way I collect emotionally fragile friends, like birds with broken wings. How I'll spend all day thinking about what I'll cook for dinner for everyone.

What I really, truly actually want to be in life?
A mother.