very odd

So I was reading about Mary Magdalene (long story as to why, completely non- religious reasons) and for some reason I had a tightening of my chest, and all the physical sensations of being upset and crying without the emotional side of it. I was not upset, but my body was reacting as if i was :S

So i clicked onto facebook and it stopped, then I resumed reading about Mary and theories about her relationship with Jesus and it started again. Tightness of my chest, light headed tears forming in my eyes, a tight throat...

So I looked into the mirror to see if I was crying and my eyes were filled to the brim with tears but as I looked the tears were reabsorbed by my eyes, my eyes became white again (rather than the red swollen tinge of crying) and my face went back to normal from being red. This happened in probably less than 2 seconds of not reading the passage.

What is going on?

A letter

on a brighter note about my life

according to a letter left on my desk from NHS Kingston, at least I don't have Chlamydia.

Depression Bingo

things people love to say when you have depression

I am painfully aware that they are trying to help

confusion and other ways that I am a bitch

So I broke up with craig about a month ago.

But I didn't break up with him because I didn't care about him, quite the opposite.

I still really care about him, but it was me who broke up with him and I can't just play about with his emotions and start dating him again.

I know my friends would kill me. They were never very approving of our relationship.

I think my problem is that I know I can make a relationship with Craig work if I stop being a bitch, but every time I go home people remind me "Cassie, you can't function without sex- what the hell are you doing with him?".

Then I convince myself that we are just too different and that it can never work because I am broken.

I also cannot convince myself that I don't believe in God anymore.

There.

I said it.

I keep telling myself that I just want sex and lust, fooling around where no one gets hurt and everyone enjoys themselves, and yes I do enjoy sex... but I what I really get out of it is the feeling of being wanted.

I don't need sex, I need to feel like I have some kind of value.

I actually just flit about wanting to feel loved.

Good God that's pathetic.

I can't ask Craig out again, he would probably say no. Everyone would disapprove. It would probably be a mistake.

But that doesn't mean that I don't miss him.

3 weeks

So I havent taken my citalopram for about 3 weeks because I was in hospital with meningitis and a brain infection and was not allowed to.
Now I know this is probabaly why I just want to curl up in a ball and dissapear, but for some reason I also don't want to take it.

I don't want to be at home
I don't want to be at uni

to be honest I don't want to be anywhere

RIIIIGHT

I need something to cheer me up ASAP.
Cooking would usually do it but the kitchen is gross, need to tidy it.

Silly me

Listening to songs designed to fall inlove to, but ultimatly result in the stiches ripping on your broken heart.

EDIT: Oh my that sounded terribly emo, what i actually ment was- it's funny how love songs at the time make you happy, but when you have lost someone they become very upsetting to listen to.

funny how things work

I didn't think about him really once during the first term, spent the second term with him constantly at the back of my mind.
I need to go back to then, i need to go back to feeling how i did back then- rarely giving him a passing thought.

Who needs love? Not I.

Oh the bleakness of heartbreak.

Of course I knew exactly what I was setting myself up for when I started the coversation with him. I knew what the answer would be.
I just needed to put myself out of my misery, I needed to stop whipping a dead horse and holding onto hopes that had no chance to fruitition.
"Tell him you love him, just yell it out, everything will work out"
Oh wait... I just did that "I'll never stop loving you"
Everything wont work out, everything is over- deal with it move on. It is why you engaged in this hurtfull exersize anyway really, despite all your niave childish hopes deep down you knew why you were doing it.

So why am I still burning this flipping candle?
I just need to face facts.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

The Church of Wagamamas

I definitely failed to attend a service today. Instead I went to Wagamamas with Cath where we had many a theological discussion.

Surprisingly I'm not even being sarcastic.

There was talk of Jesus over cheese cake.

Church

I am supposed to be going to church tonight. Scary Times.

Maybe I shouldn't go.

A good friend once told me to avoid holy water in case I burn.

New Lingerie!

The last donation was made today and so my lingerie set should arrive soon!

Unfortunately people took to long to donate and so the original set is no longer being sold so I am receiving a nice little polka dot number instead.

But hey- Free Lingerie!

Heart Ache

Today I received a facebook message from her and it felt like my heart had been ripped from my breast.

Bang Bang my baby shot me down...

"You know Craig, I like you more and more... and I'll have to be careful incase I start liking you too much."

"cool"

"But being shot down with a 'cool' helps put that off I guess"

Now you may think me childish for saying "i really like you craig" but i consider it to be more immature to throw alteritive L words around nilly willy.

Also I am rarely sweet, kind, loving, or affectionate in anyway other than physical so to say that was a bit of a thing. To be shot down kinda sucks.

Alot.

So much for that then

I am already fuming at him

I dont appreciate being left high and dry, particually when I can't go out this evening as I planned because thanks to him i have two flipping purple marks on my face.

God he is such a git sometimes.

Things with Craig...

are better.

I think this is almost entirely down to the new system of lying down in the bed for a film with heads at the pillow end (my head in his nook) like we did before we were going out, rather than sitting up with our backs against the wall sideways.

I'm a girl of simple needs. Physical contact is important to me. I feel comforted and so I don't feel the need to make up for our lack of physical intimacy with sexually frustrated kissing which makes him feel like I am annoyed that we don't have sex.

He just never understood that it wasn't the sex I needed, it was the hugs and the general tenderness which is why I lept on the occasional kiss with the hunger of a starved animal. Now I don't feel like he only shows me affection when we are in public and he fancies asserting that he is a heterosexual male with a girlfriend.

yes things with Craig are getting better.

Let us hope that it lasts.

I am curious...

about Christianity and blah de blah de blah....

I just wonder if there is something missing in my life

But I also have long standing trepidations about any form of organised religion PARTICULARLY Christianity...

better

Last night at about 9pm I hopped on a train and called my parents to say that I was comming home for the weekend and would be there in about an hour.
I'm feeling a bit better I think.

Gets worse before it gets better?

I spent the whole week before I stated taking Citalopram feeling fine. I only took them to make sure I stayed that way but ever since I started on them I feel like shit. Really bad headaches and no motivation to do anything.

But everything I have read or heard suggests that things get worse before they get better and that I just have to stick it out.

Good God my head hurts.

What an unfortunate reaction

Although I was prescribed with Citalopram on the 2nd of February I didn't actually start taking them until the 17th of February. Essentially I wanted to Drink for my birthday celebrations.

Now I could say the comically fun adverse reaction I had to them the first day I took them, but tbh it isn't THAT interesting (and to recognise that something isn't interesting enough to state on this blog simply serves to reiterate how boring it really must be).

The truly FUN reaction came on the Thursday.

When- to cut a long story short- I was found late at night by Craig, in the dark and the rain, staring at a wall in a town I don't know. When I was taken back to uni I burst into tears on his shoulder and then walked back with him without saying a word. About 20 mins later after Craig had called my parents to collect me I came back to reality mortified at what had happened.

Side effect: Dissociation TICK

Citalopram 10mg Tablets

Today I was put on Anti- Depressants.

Citalopram 10mg tablets- take ONE tablet ONCE each day.

Needless to say today was no average day in my life. Running to the surgery so that I wouldn't be too late for my appointment as I had overslept (because all I ever do is sleep). Arriving at my appointment to spill details about my personal life that I have never told anyone before.

I had previously had two appointments at the GP's within which I hoped to disscuss my recently painfully bleak outlook on life, but had chickened out choosing instead to query some minor rash or ailment rather than face the "black dog".

So I enter the room, I sit down, I state my name and I explain that I have been feeling "a bit rubbish lately". Craig is sitting outside, his presence to ensure that whilst I am alone with the nurse I hopefully feel bad enough about dragging him out of bed to actually talk to the woman. For I am the Queen of "Oh me? I'm just fine. I'm always fine." We talk. She asks questions. I answer- occasionally disturbingly chipper, frequently fighting off an emotional breakdown in her office.
"So do you want to go to councilling and be put on drugs afterwards, or do you want to go on drugs with councilling on the side?"
Do I want to go on drugs? We had been talking for perhaps a maximum of 20 mins. It seems in that 20 mins I had managed to convinse her that I was in need of some chemical assistance.
Throughout the whole thing I feel like I am just ticking off a list of symptoms for her, almost as if I had googled depression and sat there with a clip board saying "loss of apitite, change in sleeping patterns, apathy towards previously enjoyed things". This is no bad reflection upon the nurse just how I felt.
"Only child hm? So there is alot of expectation upon you to do well, alot of pressure?"

"Umm I guess?" Even I'm not that much of a cliché.

Another appointment booked for this afternoon

Do you mind speaking to the student doctor?

No sure, why not, they need some practise who am I to deny them a qualification?

So I speak to the student doctor- a lovely lass who brings out my psychotically chipper side (I can tell she is rather bemused by it)

"So about one episode of despair and crying a day you say?"

"Yeah, they're the highlight of my day, I actively look forward to them 'cause you know it's not a real day unless you have some deep down despair in there is it?"

We move on to the doctor.

The student nurse reiterates everything that I had told.

Dr: "so you have a history of psychotic episodes then"

Wow individual things that have occurred in my life summed up in the term "history of psychotic episodes"

How wonderfully concise.

Retail Therapy

Both my friend Cath and I have been feeling a bit down of late. So today we decided (well she decided and dragged me along) that we would have a spot of retail therapy.
Now when I was a wee lass I could never understand other girls obsessions with shoes, this feeling I can confirm is no longer felt by me.
I am now in possesion of the sexiest pair of shoesNow they may look pretty boring and horrible in that pic, but trust me. They are the SEX on, well, my legs.
Now buying things may be a terribly shallow way of suffocating inner suffering but heck I'm trying to be a bit healthier so we couldn't do it with icecream. And as Catherine so skillfully argued, as they were over half price from their original 85 pound and as I had essentially bought nothing else (a dress I had bought earlier was a brilliant use of vouchers) I deserved them :P.
That is what I will keep telling myself as I currently potter around the flat in my new shoes dress and tights....

Photographic update

Well I realised I hadn't posted in a while so I thought I would do a photographic update of the last month or two. All the most unflattering photos of myself possible. Yes, I do attend alot of fancy dress parties.

I Fear This Will Be A Theme Of Today

Gregg: How are you feeling?
Me: Ah, I take it that means I ran into you last night?
Gregg: *laughing* Yup
Me: Did I tell you I loved you?
Gregg: Yup
Me: Oh dear....