You Sly Thing You

So I'm not one of those people who turn to God when things are going great. When I'm on an up I don't turn to anyone really.

In the last few months I have found it really hard to keep striving for a relationship with God. I tried mentioning it to my "young adult worker" but unfortunately as I have had a personal relationship with him he isn't always very good at listening to me and understanding when I'm asking for religious guidance. (which is no fault of his own, it's just an unfortunate side effect, he's very good at other things)
So I've tried various ways of getting myself back where I want to be but nothing was working to give me my motivation.

Last night I realised working forward in my faith was something I needed to put at the forefront of my life if I wanted to achieve any else of worth. I still however had no idea how to do this.

In other news today I was part of a discussion that will probably take me down a very difficult path. Quite frankly I'm scared. Today was also the first time I reached for my bible since I moved into this house.
I guess God knows what he's doing.

I've been looking at everything all wrong

I am one strong mo-fo.

All this time I would look at the stupid things I have done in my past and think how silly and weak I was. Yes I was very silly but actually I am powerful SOAB.

Mental health problems? Beat that.
Attacked? Reported that.
Abusive relationship? Left that.
Completely in love with you know who? Got over that.
PCT? Ended that.

Shit has royally rained down from a great height and I'm not even harbouring any resentment. I'm not angry. I'm not upset. I get on with my day and I smile at strangers and I still care about people and look for the best in them.
I have won.

And I will keep on smiling because I may loose a battle or two but I'll damn well win the war.

hurting

I had the overwhelming urge to hurt myself today.
I just opened the front door and Wham! It's hit me. Just how good it would be.

I must point out at this point that I did NOT do anything. I was shocked enough that the temptation even came back, I'd like to think I closed that chapter of my life a long time ago.

I thought it came completely out of nowhere, I mean I've been fine for a while, but when I think about it I've been going self destructive for a bit.

The whole thing with PCT is basically self harm in it's self. I'll admit that the only person I hate more than him is me.
The starting smoking again, chain smoking at that.
and the distancing myself from the church, on some level deliberately not engaging.

Why am I doing all this crap? (mainly the PCT bullshit)
How do I make sure it doesn't escalate?

***resolution: continue my steely resolve to avoid the PCT temptation and possibly stop smoking with Nay***

TRYING to be good

I am trying very hard to be good right now.
After a week of making some mistakes, doing some foolish things, I am trying very hard to be well behaved.

Hard is the right word. This is not easy.

A new temptation arrives every few hours.

This would be hard enough WITHOUT opportunity. I'm not naturally well behaved in these matters. I don't need people tempting me to stray.

GAAAAHH

why cant I just act out and feel no regrets with my self esteem still intact at the end of it all?

Heart.Broken

All this while I have been clinging on to "when will it happen". Realised that one of the reasons I was given so long ago was actually nothing to do with anything.
It will never happen
For goodness sake Cassie you have to realise that.

Plain

Do you know what?
I love you.
I don't know if I want to marry you, I don't know if I will still want to be with you in a year but I love you.
We are not friends.
I'm not sure if we ever have been.

We might not work as a couple. We might fail spectacularly.
But if it doesn't work: at least we'd know. Once and for all : things changed, I'm different, you're different, we still don't work. Closure.

Then maybe we can learn to be friends.

The love I feel for you can be that of friendship, we the sexual tension removed. The potential removed.

Our relationship is one of looking at might be-s. That's not right.

We might be together for a week, actually kiss without guilt, and realise "Yuck, this is like kissing a sibling!"
and learn to have a relationship of equals and true friendship.

But right now I don't want to be your friend.

I lied I know. I said it was fine. It wasn't. It wasn't a lie each time I said it; I had convinced myself, because there are so many things I could pick on.
Things that don't matter, like you not liking seafood, or my friends not approving.

But it was just my head trying to control my heart. It failed.
I've never been good at denying myself something that I want.

This. What's happening right now, whatever it is... It makes me not like myself. I don't like who I am being right now, I feel demeaned. I'm picking up bad habits. I'm embarrassing myself and I'm ashamed of myself.

Something needs to change. I don't want it to be us not hanging out anymore.





But I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. So I'll never say any of this.

But all I want

All I ever want to do is cook and look after people.

That's look after people and cook food. Not cook the people I'm supposed to be looking after.