Trapped

I feel so trapped.

I don't want to do the internship anymore, but who am I even supposed to talk to about that? Who is my line manager? Arn't I supposed to have a mentor? Where are they hiding? Do I know their name? Do they know MY name? Have we even met?

And when I stop doing the internship... Where am I supposed to go? I feel like I couldn't go to St. Mikes anymore.

My relaxing day has so far involved about a billion fb messages asking where I am, a thousand emails nagging me about why haven't I done X or Y when I was apparently asked to do them via an email that was sent to me during a weekend away that EVERYONE knew I was on. Bare in mind that everyone thinks I'm at an away day today, so how exactly am I supposed to pick these emails up?

I don't want to be here. I don't want to do the internship. Which means I can't go to church anymore. Which means I have nowhere to go.

I want to disappear.

I.Just.Don't.Want.To.BE.Anymore.

I feel so abandoned.

A Prayer

Dear God,
Please take my heart away. Please take away my ability to love, because I can't take the pain anymore.
It's been a year.
A year of me praying not to love him anymore almost every day.
A year of me telling him how I feel and him without the decency to tell me that he doesn't feel the same, even if that would be a lie as he claims.
Please.
Father if you can do anything, if you made the mountains and the seas and the earth it's self surely you can do this.
Just take it away, because I'm crying myself to sleep again and I'm not as strong as I pretend to me.
Let me feel nothing. Let me die, emotionally.
Just please don't make me live this for another day.

Trying so hard

I'm trying so hard to have an adult conversation with you, to save YOUR bacon. 'Cause I'm watching YOUR back. Yet you manage to make me want to go "fuck you" "I'm tired of screwing myself over to keep you out of trouble" if it weren't for the fact that I promised the youth that I would go to church tonight I wouldn't be there just so I could avoid seeing you.

FFS maybe I'm doing things for a reason. Maybe I said "lets talk in person" BECAUSE WE NEEDED TO TALK IN PERSON. Maybe I said "before church" because it needed to be in plenty of time before church. If the not knowing is stressing you out so much, deal with it now instead of putting it off all day.

Grow the fuck up.

You have no idea the extent I have fucked myself over all year trying to keep you out of trouble.
Do you know what I have let people think of me so that they don't think less of you?

God, I was going to buy us a fry up and have a quick chat. Pretend that your actions didn't leave me red raw, make sure that you were ok and if necessary reassure you that everything is fine.

I'm not sure if I can now.

I need to chat

I need to talk to you
Whilst I still have the guts to do it
but you're not around

Is It Ok To Be Scared?

I don't really know who to talk to about this. I can't worry Chris; Nay isn't the kind of person you cry on the shoulder of; Felix & Russ were part of my "cut out friends who want to fuck me" purge; and I just don't know if I can talk to Craig about this.
I really think I want to talk to Craig about this.
I just don't think I can talk to Craig about this.
I'm really really scared.

I don't want the neurologist to tell me what we all suspect. There is no cure, so why bother knowing?
I know that's stupid but I just don't think I could cope with being told that I had it.

You Sly Thing You

So I'm not one of those people who turn to God when things are going great. When I'm on an up I don't turn to anyone really.

In the last few months I have found it really hard to keep striving for a relationship with God. I tried mentioning it to my "young adult worker" but unfortunately as I have had a personal relationship with him he isn't always very good at listening to me and understanding when I'm asking for religious guidance. (which is no fault of his own, it's just an unfortunate side effect, he's very good at other things)
So I've tried various ways of getting myself back where I want to be but nothing was working to give me my motivation.

Last night I realised working forward in my faith was something I needed to put at the forefront of my life if I wanted to achieve any else of worth. I still however had no idea how to do this.

In other news today I was part of a discussion that will probably take me down a very difficult path. Quite frankly I'm scared. Today was also the first time I reached for my bible since I moved into this house.
I guess God knows what he's doing.

I've been looking at everything all wrong

I am one strong mo-fo.

All this time I would look at the stupid things I have done in my past and think how silly and weak I was. Yes I was very silly but actually I am powerful SOAB.

Mental health problems? Beat that.
Attacked? Reported that.
Abusive relationship? Left that.
Completely in love with you know who? Got over that.
PCT? Ended that.

Shit has royally rained down from a great height and I'm not even harbouring any resentment. I'm not angry. I'm not upset. I get on with my day and I smile at strangers and I still care about people and look for the best in them.
I have won.

And I will keep on smiling because I may loose a battle or two but I'll damn well win the war.

hurting

I had the overwhelming urge to hurt myself today.
I just opened the front door and Wham! It's hit me. Just how good it would be.

I must point out at this point that I did NOT do anything. I was shocked enough that the temptation even came back, I'd like to think I closed that chapter of my life a long time ago.

I thought it came completely out of nowhere, I mean I've been fine for a while, but when I think about it I've been going self destructive for a bit.

The whole thing with PCT is basically self harm in it's self. I'll admit that the only person I hate more than him is me.
The starting smoking again, chain smoking at that.
and the distancing myself from the church, on some level deliberately not engaging.

Why am I doing all this crap? (mainly the PCT bullshit)
How do I make sure it doesn't escalate?

***resolution: continue my steely resolve to avoid the PCT temptation and possibly stop smoking with Nay***

TRYING to be good

I am trying very hard to be good right now.
After a week of making some mistakes, doing some foolish things, I am trying very hard to be well behaved.

Hard is the right word. This is not easy.

A new temptation arrives every few hours.

This would be hard enough WITHOUT opportunity. I'm not naturally well behaved in these matters. I don't need people tempting me to stray.

GAAAAHH

why cant I just act out and feel no regrets with my self esteem still intact at the end of it all?

Heart.Broken

All this while I have been clinging on to "when will it happen". Realised that one of the reasons I was given so long ago was actually nothing to do with anything.
It will never happen
For goodness sake Cassie you have to realise that.

Plain

Do you know what?
I love you.
I don't know if I want to marry you, I don't know if I will still want to be with you in a year but I love you.
We are not friends.
I'm not sure if we ever have been.

We might not work as a couple. We might fail spectacularly.
But if it doesn't work: at least we'd know. Once and for all : things changed, I'm different, you're different, we still don't work. Closure.

Then maybe we can learn to be friends.

The love I feel for you can be that of friendship, we the sexual tension removed. The potential removed.

Our relationship is one of looking at might be-s. That's not right.

We might be together for a week, actually kiss without guilt, and realise "Yuck, this is like kissing a sibling!"
and learn to have a relationship of equals and true friendship.

But right now I don't want to be your friend.

I lied I know. I said it was fine. It wasn't. It wasn't a lie each time I said it; I had convinced myself, because there are so many things I could pick on.
Things that don't matter, like you not liking seafood, or my friends not approving.

But it was just my head trying to control my heart. It failed.
I've never been good at denying myself something that I want.

This. What's happening right now, whatever it is... It makes me not like myself. I don't like who I am being right now, I feel demeaned. I'm picking up bad habits. I'm embarrassing myself and I'm ashamed of myself.

Something needs to change. I don't want it to be us not hanging out anymore.





But I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. So I'll never say any of this.

But all I want

All I ever want to do is cook and look after people.

That's look after people and cook food. Not cook the people I'm supposed to be looking after.

WHY?!

Why is it that as soon as I have a glass of wine in me I want to kiss him?
What am I, 13?
ARGHEHRERHERWIEHROEHRESRHS!

I need to hate him, I need to never want to speak to him again. 'Cause it seems like the only way to stop myself caring about him.

I THOUGHT I HAD FIXED THIS.

I'd lined up dates ffs.

Ouch

I've twisted my ankle through a hilarious hurdle related incident.
Someone come and feed me chocolate/ soup?

It's all good really

I just realised that my blog looks a bit depressing. It's all good really.
I've made the decision that nothing will happen between myself and someone I liked, because if they liked me enough they would have made something happen. Which has freed me up so I can stop being rude to people by not being able to tell them "no I'm not available" and yet not feeling comfortable if they flirt with me.

My fasting is also going well, after a horrendous first day where I failed miserably it's going much better now although tonight will be a real test turning down the dinner I'll be serving to the homeless. I've found time for bible study as well in the time I would usually be cooking which is great.

I'm also getting back into my "what's the worst that could happen" attitude to dating so I may agree to some dates with some nice people. I've got an actor, a photographer, and a classics teacher in tow at the moment that I may stop being busy for. A couple of reporters too but I'm not too sure about either of them.

So yes, I'm not actually being miserable. I just happened to blog in a rather "gahhh" way the last two times.

Lent

Turns out that giving a person up for lent is quite hard, particularly when you are doing it for all the wrong reasons.

Valentines

I usually forget valentines day a bit; my birthday is just before hand so I'm busy being all exited about that.
This year was no different, a simple "happy valentines day" and a kiss is usually enough for me and this year I didn't even think to expect that.
Because this year.

I'm single.

For the first time in 6 years on valentines day.


Now this didn't particularly faze me, it let me work some over time and I was pleased by that. Then, just as I was finishing shift at work, I started to think "hmm maybe I could pick up some sun-dried tomatoes for that guy I like....".
I know right, I'm such a catch, what a normal train of thought that was....
Luckily at that moment a friend popped into the surgery and we went out to town together preventing any further action on the tomato front.
Having now got home I have realised that there is not one card awaiting my return for the first time in my memory. Thank goodness I didn't leave any dried foodstuffs outside someones door ey?

Lacto free Indulgent Peanutty Pudding Porridge

Last night I was asked by my friend to provide my vegetarian shepherds pie for our cell group next wednesday.
Suddenly I realised: I have no idea how I make it! Having found the original bbc food recipe I could remember the fact that I didn't follow it at all, and that I had long ago adapted to the point of no return. I have absolutely no memory of what those adaptations were though.
So I have decided to try to write down some of those recipes that just organically evolve over time.

I shall start with my (as guilty as you want it to be) peanut, chocolate and banana porridge.

I just polished off a bowl and didn't think to take a photo, I'll try to correct that toot sweet.

Every ingredient I'm going to list is entirely optional except the oats. (but if you're going to skip the peanuts, add a pinch of salt instead)
Oats
Extra fine oat bran
Water
Dark brown sugar
Cocoa nibs
Organic smooth peanut butter
Banana
Honey
Salted peanuts
Pumpkins seeds

Grab a bowl and 1 quarter fill it with oats, top with a fine(ish) layer of oat bran. Add a generous sprinkle of cocoa nibs. Not actual chocolate, unless you don't mind brown porridge and are willing to skip out of some of the other sweeteners. Crumble some dark brown sugar over the top; Not much, and it has to be the properly dark sticky stuff to give a hint of caramel flavour, otherwise don't bother you can just add more honey at the end.
Cover with cold water, bringing the level up by at least 1cm. Add a tiny bit of peanut butter, mix through. Pop it in the microwave for 50 seconds.
Stir.
If it looks like it is getting too thick for your liking but it still not hot, add more water. Remember it will start to thicken after mixing. Pop back in the microwave for 50 seconds.
Take out, stir.
Add one sliced banana, a handful of pumpkin seeds, a handful of salted peanuts and honey to taste. If you skip the honey you can claim vegan points!

Mix it up, eat it up, feel guilty then remember: Hey this is porridge!